Not Just Couple Goals
How to use values (not just wishful thinking) to build a real-deal relationship
Anyone have an idea what the actual difference is between values and goals?
I remember when my professor first posed this question to our class. At first, it felt almost too simple. Obviously they’re similar. Obviously values go deeper, and goals can range from “get a six-pack” to “build a deep and loving relationship.”
But, of course, in true psychologist fashion, we spent the next hour dissecting it. Processing. Exploring. Philosophizing. (Therapist school, am I right?)
Instead of dragging you through that hour-long rabbit hole, I’m breaking it down for you in the simplest, most practical way I can. And obviously sharing one of my favorite couples therapy exercises that I’ve used not only with clients but also in my own marriage. Let me know what you think in the comments!
So, What Are Values?
Values are like a compass. They guide how we want to show up in our lives: who we want to be, how we want to act, and what kind of relationships we want to build.
Here’s the key difference:
Values aren’t something you “achieve.” You don’t wake up one day and say, “I’ve officially completed kindness. Done!” That’s not how they work. There’s always room to grow into your values. We have to practice them again and again, moment by moment.
Goals, on the other hand, are achievable. They’re often outcome-oriented.
Values are ongoing. They’re about the process of living in alignment with what matters to you.
Why This Matters in Your Relationship?
When it comes to building a meaningful, resilient relationship, values are everything.
They’re what help you weather the tough seasons, find purpose in the mundane, and experience joy in the day-to-day. And here’s the beautiful part: there’s no “right” set of values. Every couple brings something unique to the table.
In fact, I’ve never had a couple share the exact same top five values. And that’s a good thing. You're not dating a clone of yourself - and thank goodness for that.
Okay, Hila… What’s the Activity?
This one’s adapted from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and it’s gold.
It helps you and your partner explore the values you each hold in different life domains (like communication, parenting, sex, money, career) and then turn those values into actionable steps you can take together.
Here’s How to Do It:
Set the tone.
This activity is designed to bring you closer. Be kind. Stay curious. “We listen and we don’t judge!” No value is better than another. This is a team exercise.Pick your domains.
You don’t have to do them all — just the ones that feel most relevant right now.Reflect individually.
For each chosen domain, take a few quiet minutes to reflect and write down your top 1–3 values. Do this without your partner.Come together and share.
Take turns sharing which values you picked. And most importantly, why you chose them. The why matters.Choose shared values.
As a team, decide on 1–3 shared values for each domain. These might overlap with your original picks, or you can get creative and combine them into something new. Or pick totally different ones. There is no right way here!Get specific with action.
Values are only as strong as the actions behind them. Pick one behavior that brings each value to life.Example 1: If my value for the “money” domain is transparency, one action might be, “I let my partner know when I make large withdrawals.”
Example 2: If my value in the “sex” domain is spontaneity, one action might be, “I send a flirty text out of the blue this week.”
Try it out, then adjust.
This isn’t set in stone. You can come back to it anytime, recalibrate, tweak, or scrap what’s not working.
I’d love to know what comes up for you. Drop your thoughts, questions, or even your top values in the comments below.
Love this so much!