I Think About It All the Time

I once had a patient tell me she Googled “what age do your eggs actually get old,” closed the tab, and then opened it again five minutes later. This is where we begin.

There’s a very specific kind of mental spiral that kicks in when a woman starts to think about maybe thinking about having a baby.

It’s not just a thought that passes by… it’s a entire mind occupation.
A full-time, can't-focus, what-if-I-miss-the-window soul swirl.

Charlie XCX nailed it with those lyrics:
“I think about it all the time / That I might run out of time…”

Same, girl, same.

For some, it starts with a birthday. Or a friend’s baby shower. Or holding your niece and feeling something crack open. For me, it was sitting across from a friend who had just frozen her eggs, and I found myself nodding like, “Cool, good for her,” while silently wondering if my uterus was close to its expiration date.

Maybe your mom needed IVF. Maybe you’ve got PCOS or endo or a hunch you’ll need “help,” too. Maybe you just met your person and love them, but the math isn’t mathing.

And maybe your partner doesn’t feel the same sense of urgency (which adds a whole new layer of loneliness). You want to scream,
“I’M NOT TRYING TO PRESSURE YOU, I’M TRYING TO PLAN FOR OUR LIFE.”
But instead, you suggest “checking out that fertility podcast” and feel your heart sink when they casually say, “We’ve got time.”

Do we, though?
Or are you just not the one with the ticking clock between your legs?

This moment in a woman’s life, this quiet, constant wondering, is rarely talked about.
It’s not infertility. It’s not pregnancy.
It’s pre-pregnancy panic.
The before before.
The moment when you’re still technically “fine,” but nothing feels fine at all.

It’s the existential math:
What will I lose?
What if I wait too long?
What if I do it now and it ruins everything?
What if I don’t do it now and I miss everything?

I want it.
I don’t want it.
I want it.
I’m scared of wanting it.

And somewhere in there, you're just trying to live your life, respond to emails, make dinner, meet deadlines, while low key obsessing over your Oura ring stats and your career trajectory.

“Would it give my life a new purpose? Would it make me miss all my freedom?”

If you’re in this liminal, looping space—I see you.
You're not alone. You're not crazy. You're not behind.
You’re just standing in that deeply human, heartbreakingly beautiful place between maybe and mother.

I used to think about it all the time, too.